A lot of NFL teams tanking for Caleb Williams already have a QB

It’s very hard to have that large of a point differential after five weeks, especially if you’ve “won” a game. The G-Men had to rally down 28-7 in the second half against the actively tanking Arizona Cardinals for their sole W, and were beaten like a D-II school playing a warmup game against Georgia in the other four.

There is so much wrong with the Giants that it’s hard to put it all on Daniel Jones’ slender shoulders, or even a single position group. Dolphins skill players spent Sunday seeing who could run the fastest, and a New York defense that only gave up 17 points per game a season ago is hemorrhaging points (30.9 on average) while getting zero run support. Can’t block, can’t tackle, can’t pass, can’t stop the run or the pass, but other than that Brian Daboll is a shoo-into repeat as Coach of the Year.

If the league wasn’t already teeming with so many destitute excuses for an NFL franchise, I’d say the Giants are unquestionably the worst of the bunch. Instead, I’m only partially certain they are.

Minnesota GM Kwesi Adofo-Mensah has been undermining Kirk Cousins since he arrived in the Twin Cities, and now his passive aggressiveness is paying off. The Vikings’ defense is noticeably better than it was in 2022, but the Purple People Eaters have faced better competition, as well.

Four of the first five games were against teams that made the playoffs last year, and two of the four were in the Super Bowl. It’s a tough beat to be sure, yet Vikings fans are almost rooting for Cousins to fail. It’s borderline masochistic, and I’m here for it.

The Vike’s only win came against the lowly Panthers, and the defense had to bail out Cousins in that one. Adofo-Mensah opted not to bring back Dalvin Cook, and the running game has fallen off a cliff as a result. They’re bottom five in yards gained, and it’s been so bad that they’ve seemingly abandoned trying, attempting a league-low 91 runs through five games.

That’s not how you help your quarterback, but I guess Adofo-Mensah isn’t trying to do that, so mission accomplished.

Even when Justin Fields plays well, the Bears still have a hard time winning. On Thursday against Washington, Chicago took a 27-3 lead into the half, and almost gagged it up like they did the week prior against Denver. Commanders QB Sam Howell turned into Mark Brunell in the second half, because NFL rules dictate that you have to play prevent once you go up three scores.

Wait, what’s that? Matt Eberflus could’ve called whatever coverage he wanted? Well, I guess that answers this blurb’s question. The team was already thin at running back before Khalil Herbert sprained his ankle, and had to sign Darrynton Evans off of Miami’s practice squad to avoid having to kill clock with a fullback again.

The way Fields looked the past two weeks is encouraging, even if those games came against equally questionable coaching, but everyone — namely Bears’ fans — should still have their guards up.

The past two weeks saw record-setting losses for Bill Belichick, and considering how badly San Francisco just beat a Dallas team that dismantled New England two Sundays ago, Mac Jones is the least of the Patriots’ worries. Belichick’s defense is without Matthew Judon and Christian Gonzalez for an extended period of time, and the team will have to seek alternative means of winning.

In years past, Tom Brady wallpapered over Belichick’s mistakes, or apathy toward offense, but not every QB is Tom Terrific, and a lot of them need help. Be it the offensive line, skill players, or coaching, other areas have to improve because the Patriots desperately need to pivot away from this game-management strategy.

I don’t know if Belichick’s arrogance is out of control, or if he really is going senile, but yanking Jones around like an abused puppy is ruining what little confidence the QB has left. It doesn’t help that he’s throwing to skill players who haven’t been good in three years, if they ever were.

The Cardinals came into the 2023 season with their sights set on the No. 1 pick. With Kyler Murray rehabbing a torn ACL, and the team not exactly as thrilled about their franchise QB as it once was, the choice to tank was born more out of the situation than a conscious decision to hit the reset button.

Arizona didn’t go into 2022 expecting to suck, and despite that being the vibe in new coach Jonathan Gannon’s first year, he’s showing ownership how far over his head Kliff Kingsbury was. The Cardinals honestly don’t deserve to be on this list, because they’re overachieving despite the record.

The choice to tank was smart given how last year went once Murray went down, but I’d be interested to see how the temperamental QB does with a coaching staff that’s not bottom five. As much of a guarantee Williams appears to be, we know Murray can ball when healthy, and teams should always think twice before eschewing someone who can play a position that very few humans on earth can even do passably.

Those who thought Nathaniel Hackett was responsible for the disgusting product at Mile High last season need to apologize, so, I’m sorry, Hack. It turns out that late-stage Russell Wilson can turn any coach into Norv Turner. That, and the Broncos went from having one of the better defenses in the league to dead last.

It doesn’t help that Miami put up 70 on the Donkos, but the ‘Fins have beaten every team they’ve faced on this list (Denver, New England, and New York). It just so happened that the win over Denver was historic for all the wrong reasons. Add a middling offense, and that’s a recipe for a 1-4 start. Payton is too new to put this slow start squarely on him, yet he hasn’t done the team, or its QB, any favors.

Marvin Mims was brought in to complement Courtland Sutton, and Jerry Jeudy, not lead them, and the receiving corps that a lot of people projected to be a strength isn’t as explosive as predicted. Obviously, that’s going to land at the feet of Wilson, as well, but NFL franchises don’t go 6-16 over a 22-game span just because the QB sucks.

Usually, that sucking is spread around, and I’m simply pointing out that all three phases of Bronco football currently suck.

The only winless team in the NFL is giving Bryce Young a taste of what it’s like to play football on a team without a considerable talent advantage everywhere on the field. Gone are the days of ad-libbing behind five-star Alabama linemen, and after five games, Young is one pick shy of eclipsing his 2022 interception total (five) with the Tide.

The Panthers might have the worst collection of skill players in the league as evidenced by leading receiver Adam Theilen, who was washed in Minnesota before arriving in Carolina. The Miles Sanders signing isn’t paying off because the line isn’t blocking, and Young has been sacked 12 times in four games because he was too hurt to play the other one.

The Panthers desperately need to protect their most valuable asset or else the prophecy of Young being too small for the NFL will be fulfilled. Oh, also, the defense is 28th in the NFL in scoring, and C.J. Stroud is crushing it in Houston. But, yeah, Frank Reich’s got this.