IDIOT OF THE MONTH: A journey through the swamp that was Super Bowl February

Karl Malone? The guy who got a 12-year-old girl pregnant while he was in college? He’s your All-Star ambassador? Sure, with the game in Utah, the only other real choice was John Stockton… but Jesus Christ, man. Karl Malone?

This puffy weirdo resorted to attacking Rihanna because the Murdoch media machine has forsaken him and Ron DeSantis is the new hotness among right-wing ghouls everywhere. Eat shit, Donny.

STOP DISRESPECTING MEEEEEEEE

YOU’RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND MEEEEEEEEE

EVERYTHING IS ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEE

What happens when two schmucks write letters to a newspaper? Well, the rest of the country picks that up and points to it as a trend, of course. To wit: Two Karens got angry about DRINKING at the Kansas City Chiefs championship parade (l’horreur!) and for some reason, this became a Fox News headline.

If you’d like to waste several minutes of your life that you can never get back, then Aaron Rodgers’ weekly segments on The Pat McAfee Show are for you. The thing you‘ve got to understand about Rodgers is that he is an idiot’s idea of a smart guy. Meanwhile, McAfee supports his ego and delusions for the ratings.

For example, take his most recent exchange with the titular host for example. During an exchange that was so dumb that it made me wonder if it was actually performance art, Rodgers questioned whether the unidentified flying objects being shot down in recent weeks were a distraction from recent events.

“It’s interesting timing on everything,” said Rodgers. “There’s a lot of other things going on in the world.”

Yes, “THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN THE WORLD” is an astute observation to make about a planet with seven billion people co-existing in an interconnected society. As people who exist in the world, we can confirm.

The shallowness of Rodgers’ ideas was most glaring when he posited that spy balloons were a deflection from Epstein case-related court docs, which he believes implicated elites in sex trafficking. However, the government’s “distraction” excuse for simple-minded conspiracy kooks should have grown old around 15 years ago.

Today, we’ve got 24/7 television news organizations of varying repute at our fingertips on Twitter, newsletters, and podcasts, plus there’s an 80/20 chance you’re reading this on your phone. If Rodgers is distracted that easily, it’s a personal problem, not a societal one. Besides, if the government was covering up the UFOs being shot out of the sky and the media refused to report on it, Rodgers would claim that was the real conspiracy.

After McAfee entertained Rodgers’ delusions by transitioning to the recent train derailment and toxic spill in East Palestine, Ohio, Rodgers fumbled through an uninformed answer, then quickly pivoted to the Epstein client list, speculating that the UFOs were a cover story to blunt the impact of that document’s release.

Rodgers has a functional IQ, but he’s also a dilettante who lacks the critical thinking skills to fully develop expertise in whatever subject matter he’s fixated on at the time.

This line (he also noted that the aforementioned dumps were “two-wipers”) is not so much idiotic as it is hilarious, but we’ll allow it.

Learning when to shut up is a good tool to have in life. (It is a skill we have yet to learn here.) When you aren’t an expert on something and are surrounded by people who are, take notes and listen. When you don’t have all the details on a certain situation and there are dozens of media members documenting every word you say, less is more. Alabama head men’s basketball coach Nate Oats needs to learn that lesson, as he completely failed on Feb. 21 to articulate himself surrounding his star player’s involvement in the murder of Jamea Jonae Harris.

The alleged details surrounding Brandon Miller’s involvement in the murder haven’t charged him with a crime, yet the court of public perception has called him a murderer. Nearly all the blame for all the bad press Miller got this week is on the Alabama athletic department and squarely on Oats. Did Alabama athletic director Greg Byrne not prep Oats for the moment? Did no one on the Crimson Tide’s media relations staff, who know the landscape of how his comments would come off better than anyone, not realize what a red flag it would have been to say what he was about to say? Colleges restrict access to reporters more every year, but that’s what you put out in front of people on the beat?

Especially for a school that boasts the most recognizable program in college athletics — and it’s unquestionably Alabama football — not being ready for a situation like that is inexcusable. And let’s not pretend like Oats isn’t a seasoned pro at coaching. He’s been talked about being poached to go to a blueblood for a few seasons now, but this is how he publicly handles adversity? A young woman has died and someone indirectly involved in the situation was in the wrong place at the wrong time? No amount of backpedaling, which was easily predictable, saves you from that. Everyone makes mistakes, but not mistakes that big.

Lauren Boebert’s sole objective as a member of Congress has been to grow her brand for a future gig on cable news as a firey-yet-empty-headed provocateur. So it didn’t surprise anyone that her crab-brain used the Super Bowl as an excuse to ignite her supporters over a 120-year-old song.

The NFL’s announcement that Sheryl Lee Ralph would perform “Lift Every Voice and the Sing” prior to the national anthem was the type of news that got ignorant people to tell on themselves. A normal person heard it and either swelled with pride or carried on with their pregame activities. Boebert saw an opportunity to denigrate the black community and potentially gin up her base. She couldn’t turn down that opportunity tweeting hours before the game, “America only has ONE NATIONAL ANTHEM. Why is the NFL trying to divide us by playing multiple!? Do football, not wokeness.”

She’d have better luck turning her focus to frothing at the mouth over UGK’s “International Playas Anthem”? The crazy thing is that the Black National Anthem is a throwback to a vital period of American history, served as a hallmark of the Civil Rights era, and has been a staple of black culture for over a century. Blaming a song written by NAACP leader James Weldon Johnson in 1900 for dividing Americans in 2023 is as ridiculous as considering Common to be a controversial artist. Then again, that happened in this timeline already, so maybe that says something about these people.

You’d think someone who touts how much she loves America would take the time out to learn that before chirping on Twitter, but it’s on-brand for someone who’s spent her time in Congress treating black history like witchcraft.

After getting incredibly ratioed though, Boebert retreated back into her hole, waiting for the next inane thing to get irrationally angry about to score imaginary points.

You would think that a 67-year-old who was born in the 1950s would have a better grasp on history — especially during Black History Month — but in the case of Chris Berman, a person who is still at ESPN for reasons we’ll never know, the Super Bowl postgame show was an example of two things: Wisdom and age aren’t attached at the hip, and you don’t need to interject randomly with your flawed views on America’s past.

Let’s get to what, exactly, Berman said to get put on this list:

“But, also, of course, two African-American quarterbacks starting against each other in the Super Bowl for the first time, fittingly…February 12th is Abe Lincoln’s birthday.”

Bossip’s headline about Berman perfectly summed things up: “We Sho’ Is Lucky! ESPN’s Chris Berman KKKredits Abe Lincoln For Generously Allowing 2 Black Quarterbacks To Play In The Super Bowl For The First Time.”

Berman proved that he’s one of those folks who believe that Black America was supposed to have sung praises to Lincoln for ending the longest and most cruel system mankind has ever seen, all because he was born 214 years before two Black dudes were going to throw a football in front of around 100 million people on TV.

Black history and critical race theory should be the core curriculum for every white student in America from kindergarten through college.

There’s nothing more idiotic than golf humor. For those of us who’ve been gifted foot-wedges, exploding Pro-V 1’s, and other goofy bullshit, the only person laughing is the guy who gave it to you (usually a dad). So, it’s no surprise that Tiger Woods had the biggest grin after he slipped Justin Thomas a tampon for outdriving him at a recent golf tournament.

The eagle eyes of the internet caught Woods’ attempt at humor, and after he was shouted down for the misogynist prop comic that he was, one of the greatest golfers in the history of the game was forced to apologize like a child who didn’t know any better. Only he should’ve known better.

If ever there was a pro athlete who should have given a second thought about whether a joke demeans women, it’s the guy who had so many affairs that he was spoofed in a porno. On second thought, if ever there was a pro athlete who would NOT give a second thought about whether a joke demeans women, it’s the guy who had so many affairs that he was spoofed in a porno.

Congratulations, Tiger, you’re February’s king moron. Don’t know if this distinction will make his Wiki page, but it is deserved, and it lasts a lifetime.