The 10 Plagues of Egypt for sports fans

Brita doesn’t have this feature yet. Moses turned the Nile River’s water into blood, making the drinking water needed for every facet of life non-consumable. I bet Michael Phelps (pictured) cand Katie Ledecky are happy it changed back to water. Swimming through that in the Olympics only would’ve been OK in Saudi Arabia.

This one seems harmless at first, but an unlimited number of frogs being let loose everywhere sounds awful. You couldn’t sleep, or have a meal without frogs everywhere. If only unlimited frogs were available for TCU, who got whooped in the national championship game by Georgia. Imagine if God unleashed unlimited Bulldogs through Moses. Definitely changes how you view this plague.

Have you ever had lice? It sucks. With modern science, it’s pretty easy to get rid of. Spreading through a locker room sounds awful. Imagine it going through the Baltimore Ravens, and that’s actually why Lamar Jackson wants out. It wouldn’t be the most unimaginable thing to happen in Baltimore.

The swarm of bugs was capable of harming people and livestock and very much targeted the Egyptians and not the Israelites. It was so bad, Pharaoh originally granted the enslaved their freedom after this plague, but relented after thinking it over. And six more came after. It’s like when negotiations broke down two decades ago and the NHL had a lockout for all of the 2004-05 season. (Also, lest we forget Joba Chamberlain and the midges.)

According to the Oxford Dictionary, pestilence means “a fatal epidemic disease, especially bubonic plague.” And having that happen to horses and donkeys thousands of years ago crippled the working system of ancient Egypt. When you see “epidemic,” you have to think back to how COVID-19 shut down the sports world and everything else. I still try to predict who would’ve won the 2020 NCAA Tournament.

All men and animals breaking out with scabs you can’t get rid of.

Painful and disrupting.

And when you hear scabs, you have to think back to the 1987 NFL season when the NFLPA went on strike.

Three weeks of games were played with replacements, aka scabs, to varying results.

The Commanders’ single-game receiving record was set by Anthony Allen (pictured) during that stretch and still hasn’t been broken.

That title undersells it on purpose. It truly was a thunderstorm of hail AND FIRE. If a thunderstorm made of fire hit Earth right now, no one’s going outside for a long time, if you survive. Everything’s destroyed. The Oakland A’s are already moving out of the Bay Area and this would just be a sign to never go back.

This seems almost like a repeat with the flies, but imagine having gnats come and devour everything still standing after the thunderstorm of fire. Holy moly that sounds awful. This is comparable to the Houston Texans, who’ve found a way to be an awful franchise for most of their existence and can’t seem to get anything right.

This one was a slam dunk. Three days of total darkness, so less time than Aaron Rodgers (pictured) spent in isolation. I’m sure Rodgers ate and had comfortable accommodations during that time away from society. Without preparation, and doing it cold turkey, it could’ve been horrible for the soon-to-be New York Jet.

Moses even warned Pharaoh that the 10th plague would be the worst one yet, which is saying something considering the previous three. Unwilling to let the enslaved Israelites go, all Egyptian firstborn children were killed in their sleep. And Pharaoh did temporarily free the Israelites for a third and final time (the first was before any of the plagues) but before the parting of the Red Sea. When talking about mass murder to escape slavery, there really isn’t a palatable sports example.