Every year, Scott Boras holds court at the GM meetings. Sometimes it’s the winter meetings, sometimes it’s both. Because both of those gatherings are basically just conventions where no media member can actually attend any of the seminars or see the meetings, Boras’s beat poetry performed by a suburban dad after one too many mai tais has become the prime event for the baseball fourth estate. This has become Boras’s Fashion Week, what he clearly plans his whole year around. And he’s most definitely on the runway.
When you read all the terrible one-liners, it is important that you keep in mind how long you think Boras practices each of them in the mirror. And know that it’s months. And then it’s important to think about how much he tries them on his underlings in the offices, which has to be a few dozen. And how much those people have to pretend they’re funny, or clever, or not something that would cause any listener to get a crick in their neck from wincing? The effort to do that is nothing short of gargantuan, and you can be sure solely due to that that everyone in his company is underpaid.
The last thing you have to remember while sifting through all these is how hard he must try to remember all these as the questions are fired at him. Remember, he’s been waiting all year for this, and he can’t screw it up. Or, he’s planted the questions with the media surrounding him. Or… one of them is holding cue cards. Any or all of this is important background information.
Keeping that in mind, here are the highlights, if you can call them that.
This works if you picture Jed Hoyer as Homer Simpson after he came home from the all-you-can-eat BBQ.
Do you think Boras yells at his car while driving on the 10? Assuredly he does. Does he yell in German? No less likely.
Does Scott Boras know every BTS lyric? It can only be yes.
Yes, but we are in a time when polar bears are under great threat from climate change, and are starving, which could be compared to the hidden collusion owners were engaging in, and…you know what? I’m already tired. How does this guy do this every year?
Wouldn’t that cause a jet to stall? Also, do we want Boras talking about Cohen’s big jet?
Can we do better? Let’s give it a whirl.
“People are after pitching this winter far more than I’ve seen recently, so I’m just Eddie Murphy at the end of Trading Places: SNELL SNELL SNELL!”
“How many Hundred Lightning Kicks will it take to get to the center of an MLB lineup? Jung Hoo Lee.”
You know what? This is actually kind of hard. More power to Boras.
Toronto Maple Leafs don’t play defense
Another banner night for the Maple Leafs, who gave up a touchdown to the Ottawa Senators, including three in the third period. And this was their defensive effort:
A special note for John Klingberg on this goal, who first falls down on the first rush, totally bamboozled by Tim Stūtzle going with the futuristic move of “shifting the puck from his backhand to his forehand,” and then ends up higher in the defensive zone than all three of his forwards while not taking any opponent nor blocking any passing lane.
That’s been his whole season, which anyone who has seen Klingberg the past two seasons could have told the Leafs before they signed him.
Also, Ryan Reaves played nine minutes and had an expected goals share of 0. Literally, the Leafs didn’t create a single chance when he was on the ice.
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